You can never proofread carefully enough. Despite the computer age, terminal typos, mangled metaphors, and gruesome grammar are still with us. Here are some of our food-related gems, followed by the interpretation in italics.

"Mrs. Brown is an excellent crook." And: "Coffee is ready each morning ready at 8 p.m. Plenty of time to sleep in. "Breakfast included cranberry-almond scones and naked pears with vanilla yogurt." Scandalous. "Chocolate chip pancakes with turdy bacon." And: "We enjoyed homemade jam, fresh fruit, crusty rolls, and britches." Sure. Breakfast includes fresh organ juice, strong coffee, and herbal teas." Also: "Highlights included the home-baked teats for breakfast." There's no accounting for taste. "I loved the baked cars in wine sauce." Just choked on the steering wheel. "Tasty afternoon wine and chess." The knights were my favorites. "Dinners are served eloquently..." and "might start with roasted red pepper soap," followed by such entrees as "English lamp chops." Plus: "We ate family-style at the dining room table, and had a chance to get acquainted with the other guts."

"I feasted on home-baked pumpkin muffins, fruit salad, juice, an herb omelet, and excellent coffee, plus a large, friendly dog who loves kids." Was that a beagle or a bagel you wanted? "Grand Maniaer French toast was a highlight." Welcome to Pyscho House B&B! "Coffee and muffins were served immediately after we were eaten, followed by omelets, bacon, grapefruit and more muffins." Guess they don't have many repeat guests. "Scones with lemon crud and raspberry preserves." Straight off the shower walls. "Soft drinks and sweets are available in the guest panty. Naughty, naughty. "The house specialty is scrumptious home-baked poopy seed muffins" Can I have the recipe?

A recent article in USA Today summarized several surveys covering the causes of customer satisfaction and disappointment during hotel stays.

Cleanliness: "A dirty guest chamber is cited as the worst-case hotel-room scenario in an online query of 3,764 travelers from around the world conducted by all-hotels.com. More than two-thirds of respondents, including 69% of the 1,158 Americans who took part in the survey, put filthy surroundings as the top turn-off, followed by rooms that previously have been smoked in." An e-mail questionnaire answered by 93 members of USA TODAY's Vacationers Panel echoed the same complaints. "Checking the cleanliness of the bathroom is the first order of business for those in both surveys." Some hotel chains, aware that travelers are put off by rarely washed bedspreads, are switching over to light-colored duvet covers that are washed daily.

Toilet paper: Americans are fastidious about toilet paper, according to the all-hotels survey, with "19% rating poor-quality TP the No. 1 hotel-room annoyance."

Emotional components: The USA TODAY article interviewed Jonathan Barsky, a partner in Market Metrix. Barsky explained that "the emotions that a guest feels during a stay are critical components of satisfaction and loyalty," as shown by the firm's just-released study of 30,000 U.S. hotel guests. "The study found that customers who reported positive emotions - feeling comfortable, pampered, relaxed, secure - were more likely to be loyal to a specific hotel chain and less price-sensitive. Clients of luxury hotels want to feel pampered, sophisticated and relaxed. For economy lodgings, the buzzwords are "comfortable, content and practical."

Room priorities: A recent J.D. Power and Associates survey of 13,000 North American hotel guests found that of 17 room attributes listed, smell had "the highest contribution to overall satisfaction" says Linda Hirneise, a J.D. Power executive. The USA Today and all-hotels surveys found that sleeping, TV watching, and romance the top three items sought in a hotel experience.

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