Sometimes even the language of Shakespeare is just not expressive enough to convey the frustrations of daily life in general, and innkeeping in particular. For those moments of major frustration, we offer Yiddish for Innkeepers.

First a few words about spelling and pronunciation. Yiddish is written with Hebrew letters, although many of the words are German in origin. Because it is transliterated phonetically into English, spelling varies widely. "Ch" in Yiddish is sometimes pronounced as it is in English (like chocolate), while other times, it is a guttural "H" sound, spoken from the back of the mouth, like you were clearing your throat.

Kvetch -- Complain: As in "who uses a $25 towel to remove makeup when..."
Oy! -- Oh! As in "I chipped the plate."
Oy veh! -- Oh, no! As in "I broke the plate and the pieces are all over the floor."
Veh ist mir! -- Woe is me! As in " The guests are 5 hours late."
Noodge -- to nag continuously, or a person who nags: As in "How many times do I have to ask you to take out the garbage?"
Schlepp -- drag: As in "All that luggage goes to the 3rd floor?"
Schmutz -- dirt: As in "Did they wear their shoes into the bathtub?"
Wus sol ich tun! -- What should I do? As in " They didn't tell us that they were bringing two kids with them."

There are often no words in English expressive enough to describe what we do. Ede Bookstein, Artful Lodger B&B, Ann Arbor, MI

As a native New Yorker some Yiddish words are just part of my vocabulary:

Schlmeel -- jerk: As in the person who spills their coffee on your best antique chair.
Schlmazel -- jerk: As in the person who was sitting in the chair at the time.
Meshugenah, also meshuggah -- crazy person: As in "what kind of meshugenah uses the fireplace when the air-conditioning is on?"

Carol Edmondson, Captain Freeman Inn, Brewster, MA

Schmatta - rag: As in what you use to clean the schmutz. Also a derogatory term for an article of clothing, as in "Did you see the schmatta that guest was wearing this morning at breakfast?" ?"
Loch im kopf -- hole in the head: As in "I must have had a loch im kopf when I decided to become an innkeeper!" ?"
Plotz -- explode: As in "If I have to tell the housekeeper to do that one more time I'm going to plotz!"
Yiddish has many wonderful words for "jerk," all with slightly different connotations. Some can even be used affectionately, but be aware that both "putz" and "schmuck" translate literally to a specific part of the male anatomy.

Janet Loewenstein, The Stone Lion Inn of Cape Cod, Wellfleet, MA Here are some Yiddish expressions I can't live without:

Chachkas -- small pieces of junk: As in "Some B&Bs have lots of chachkas on their shelves, dressers, everywhere."
Ungepachka -- fussy, overdone: As in a room filled with chachkas, or a fussy recipe with lots of steps.
Chalish -- faint, weak: As in "I am chalishing from hunger" or in the kitchen in the summer, "I am chalishing from the heat."
Ois kevorfen a gelt -- a waste of money: As in, "hiring a consultant is ois kevorfen a gelt."

Ellen Gutman Chenaux, Birchwood Inn, Lenox, MA

"At the end of every meal we take drinks in hand and go out to the dining room and circulate, chatting with the guests. We've always called that schmoozing. Our Black Lab Rocky, even knows the term. If my husband or I says, "Are you ready to go schmooze?" he'll grab one of his toys and head towards the dining room, where everybody will ooh and aaah about how cute he is and how good he was to stay out of the room during the meal. Rocky loves to schmooze!"

Yvonne Martin, The White Oak Inn, Danville, OH

Customer retention:: An article in Hotel Marketing Newsweekly shared some excellent advice from the direct-marketing firm, Grizzard Performance Group: "A new report, 'Customer Retention Marketing,' finds that of the 10,000 senior-level marketing executives surveyed, 59 percent have a customer-retention program in place. Respondents ranked mass-marketing strategies such as building loyalty among all customers and improving customer service as top priorities of those initiatives. Meanwhile, only 47 percent of companies differentiate their customers based on profit, and cross-sell and up-sell plans rank low on respondents' priority lists. [Emphasis ours] Blanket customer-retention strategies designed to improve loyalty among all customers fail to grasp the key component of a good customer-based strategy. Focusing on 'most valuable and most growable' customers will have the largest impact to a company's bottom line. "

Upselling & cross-selling: An excellent article in "1 to 1 Magazine," from the consulting group Peppers & Rogers, focused on techniques for cross-selling and upselling at the point-of-sale (POS), noting that: "While you have the attention of your customers, do what they want: Meet more of their needs and they'll give more of their business to you."

Brand differentiation: A lengthy article by Andrew Ehrenberg in " Strategy + Business" reiterates how many marketing plans are romantic fantasies, but that achievable goals are attainable in the areas of growth, branding, and advertising. "Realistically, I maintain that advertising works as paid-for creative publicity. A competent ad automatically publicizes its brand and brand name. Ads can create and refresh memory traces and associations. […] This kind of publicity can then affect whether consumers find the brand salient, familiar, and reputable […] The realistic task for advertising is not to change what people think about your brand, which is always hard to achieve, but to have them think about your brand at all. As Dr. Johnson said almost 300 years ago, 'Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.'" [Just ask any woman! --ed.]

Iraqi War & travel plans: An article in the Orlando Sentinel.com reported the following: "Orlando-based travel marketing firm Yesawich, Pepperdine, Brown & Russell queried nearly 2,800 leisure travelers during the period of March 24-26, 2003. The survey found that a large majority of vacationers will press on with travel plans despite the war and heightened security levels.

• 67% of tourists surveyed said they were as likely or more likely to visit Florida than they were before the war
• 60% said they were as likely or more likely to visit Orlando.
• 29% said they were less likely to visit Orlando now than before the war
• 58% said they would avoid Washington, D.C.
• 54% said they will stay away from New York City.
• Of those travelers who said they would change their travel plans because of the war, 72% planned to take fewer international trips, while 65% planned to drive instead of fly.

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