We’ve all struggled to make ourselves understood in foreign languages, and to understand those for whom the English language is equally difficult. We hope this dialog, "Room Service," written by Shelley Berman, and excerpted with permission from his book, A Hotel is a Funny Place, will bring a smile to your day.

Reading hints: You are on the phone. The other party is also in the hotel.

Morny, rune sore-bees.

Oh sorry, I thought I dialed room service.

Rye. Rune sore-bees. Morny. Jewish to odor sunteen?

Yes, order something. This is room thirteen-oh-five. I want...

Okay, torino-fie. Yes plea?

I'd like some bacon and eggs.

Ow July then?

What?

Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?

Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please.

Ow July thee baycome? Crease?

Crisp will be fine.

Okay. An Santos?

What?

Santos. July Santos?

Uh...I don't know...I don't think so.

No? Judo one toes?

Look. I really feel bad about this, but I just don't know what judo-one-toes means. I'm sorry...

Toes! Toes! Why Jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow eenlish mopping we bother?

English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.

We bother?

No. Just put the bother on the side.

Wad?

I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.

Copy?

I feel terrible about this but...

Copy. Copy, tea, mill...

Coffee!! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.

One Minnie. Ass rune torino-fie, strangle-aches, crease baycome, tossy eenlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?

Whatever you say.

Okay. Tenjewberrymud.

You're welcome.

The above dialogue never actually took place in any hotel anywhere in the world. The Room Service dialogue is an intentionally composed humorous fiction and is entirely the creation of Shelley Berman, written as a chapter in his book, A Hotel Is A Place and A Hotel Is A Funny Place, publishers Price/Sloan/Stern. Copyright 1972 and 1985. Any claim to the contrary is utterly baseless and erroneous.

Reprinted by permission of the author. PRICE/STERN/SLOAN PUBLISHERS COPYRIGHT © 1972, 1985

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Michael S. Malone recently published an excellent article in Forbes magazine (September 10, 2001), entitled Internet II: Rebooting America, Getting real and getting it right. Despite the dramatic events that have occurred since it was written, his predictions for the future of the Internet are well worth reading, and include an overview of the high-tech business cycle, with some striking numbers:

• "Estimated annual online retail sales of $34 billion are equal to the entire U.S. retail market in 1940."
• "E-commerce grows at about 35% per year, whereas traditional retail growth is about 4-5% annually."
• "Secure online transactions in the business-to-consumer market is expected to reach 64 million by 2004, for a total of $75 billion."

Given the fact that innkeepers credit the Internet with 50-80% of their reservations, we’d highly recommend reading this article.

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